Almost everything I know about life started with one book my mum had. It taught me about life, human relations, being sexy and having fun in life.

Since Cynthia Heimel wrote her book “Sex Tips For Girls” and it’s most epic chapter “How to be blindingly beautiful” all the way back in the 80’s. I think this awesome piece of literature deserves a little update.
This is what growing up with this book does to a young mind, I totally recommend it.

Any girl can be absolutely stunning, even the one with stringy hair, saggy tits and no chin at all. It all comes down to few simple things and a lot of personality.

I had models telling me that my life is easy because I’m beautiful, I had guys hitting on me even when I didn’t look presentable to the public and I got out of some sticky situations in life because I’m beautiful. And I am not saying that I look beautiful, in any commercial sense. First of all I am short and stocky, I have an ass the size of the small planet, no eyebrows and a big nasty scar smacked directly across my upper lip. But I’m damn beautiful if you ask me!

Own your looks

Get naked, take off your makeup, and put your hair in a messy bun, than grab a bottle of red wine, a fancy glass and stand in front of a full length mirror. Begin drinking and studying yourself in the mirror intensely. See all the flaws, wrinkles, cellulite, droopy bits, fall desperate, have some more wine and a little crying session. But don’t give up, have some more to drink and by the time you hit the second half of the bottle you will start seeing a pretty sexy girl, I promise. You will start noticing the color of your eyes, how sexy your shoulders look and that small tits look good on you. By the time you hit the last two glasses, you will dance happily in front of the mirror. Damn the cellulite! What droopy bits?! This is how a real person looks like! You will shout, possibly waking up the neighbors. Now, while you are in a good mood, take two pain-killers, half a liter of water and go to sleep. You will wake a new woman. Repeat the process every time you feel insecure, or at least once every six months and after every big brake-up.

Never lead a sensible life

This is the greatest wisdom Cynthia Heimel ever wrote! The minute you decide that you are a responsible adult and start trading your nights out for getting up early to go to farmers market, is the minute you will start getting old and frumpy.
I once decided to go all adult on my life, ended up miserable, fat, with split ends and wrinkles started showing. I was 26 and looked as if I was 45! I dyed my hair purple and partied away in another town, took some adventures, went camping and smoked significant amount of weed before I started looking like myself again.
If you have your entire life planed out and are afraid of actually living it, it is time to start wearing flannel and looking for pamphlets for good old persons home.

Sex!

Think about sex at least few times a day, watch porn at least once a week and have sex as much as you possibly can. If there is a week of your life in which you haven’t had a sexual fantasy daydream or a good shag, run to your nearest psychiatrist as fast as you can, before you develop split ends.
Sex is a fountain of youth, beauty and good fashion sense.

Don’t stop the rock!

Never stop rocking on! Try to keep your music taste on a range between blues and agrotech, to keep your skin tight and spirits high. People whose music taste consist of bands that stopped existing due to members dying of old age, or prefer “art” music are the people with stringy necks and craws feet for eyes. Rock is rejuvenating!

Choose your drugs carefully

Most of the drugs will turn you into a scarecrow in the matter of months and drugs are not to be taken lightly!
A bit of speed if you are hosting a ginormous party or need to loose 10kg in a week to look better than your ex’s current girlfriend is just fine. But don’t get overboard with it, it will make your hair loose it’s shine completely and your skin kind off yellowish if used to often.
And I do recommend smoking weed at least once a month. Have you ever noticed that even old people in Jamaica look good? Weed will relax you, chill you out and take away the stress like it was never there. Weed prevents wrinkles and it is excellent if you need muscle relaxing, such as mending sprained shoulder or attempting deepthroating.

Never decline excitement

If you are sure that your life won’t do a backflip in the next couple of minutes, or even worse have a five year plan, you are on your way to flannel and polyester land with a good chance of growing wobbly jowl.
And never refuse a night of dancing or a quick road trip. Especially if that road trip involves a bike and a wild party.

Love somebody

Love is essential to beauty! Be kind to strangers or elderly on a bus, and always be polite. There is nothing uglier and more unattractive than a rude snob. Love your family members, even that weird old aunt that keeps calling you Betty. As for the romantic love… Make sure to have at least one big crush on at least one rock star or actor if you are not in love with a real person at the moment. Being in love prevents fat from building up around your thighs.

Avoid greed

Greed kills. If you are consumed by acquiring wealth, you will turn evil (not good for complexion) and start leading sensible life in order to have more and keep what you have. If this happened to you, it is a good time for a change…

Being beautiful has nothing to do with your actual looks, style or makeup skills. All those things are important and fun, but beauty is a middle finger in the air and living life. No fear, no regret, no flannel!